Extracts

King:

Is the coast clear? I heard there were a load of peasants dancing about in the streets. I can't be doing with all that, far too happy a bunch of subjects.

(Queen Mirabelle and Lady in Waiting, Esmé follow on)

Queen:

You should be pleased that your subjects are happy dear. I don't understand why you don't like the dancing.

King:

That wasn't real dancing, just a lot of leaping about all over the place. Why can't they do a nice waltz or quick step? Even the twist would be better? Now, where's my lovely daughter Rose?

Queen:

I don't know Archibald. She was strolling with us a moment ago?

King:

Has anyone seen the princess? Esmé you're her lady in waiting where is she?

Esmé:

I do believe she stopped along the way to smell the flowers.

King:

Smell the flowers? I may have to ban flowers; they just seem to be a nuisance. Growing everywhere and being all smelly.

Queen:

But we named our daughter after a flower, Archibald

King:

Did we?

Queen:

Yes; Rose.

King:

I always thought of Rose as a verb.

Queen:

As in the past tense of rise?

King:

That's right.

Queen:

You named you princess daughter after the action of getting out of bed?

King:

I rose from the bed. Or the amount in my bank balance going up; the amount rose. I thought it was appropriate. And don't forget about all the people getting up after kneeling in front of us.

Queen:

Well I prefer the flower.

King:

That's just a prickly bush.

Esmé:

But your majesty
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.

King:

Purple.

Esmé:

Excuse me your majesty?

King:

Violets are purple.

Esmé:

I always thought they were blue.

King:

Well they aren't. Definitely purple, silly poem. I may have to ban it. Now this is a good poem
The Princess Rose sat on a pin. The Princess Rose.
Concise and demonstrating the past tense of the verb 'to rise'

Dot:

Be wise to my pies, mash for cash! Oh hello, you lot. Are you enjoying the special grand tournament? (Response) My pies are selling like hot cakes. Now, I wonder, if I baked some hot cakes how they would sell? But then, hot cakes don't actually go very well with mash so I'm doubtful really.

(Donald enters singing)

Donald:

Lala lala (gets shouted down) Oh Mum… I'm running out of spuds.

Dot:

Go away Donald, I'm still cross with you for making me look a fool in front of the King and Queen.

Donald:

But Mum, I've been really good since then.

Dot:

(hand out) Talk to the face 'cause the hand aint listening.

Donald:

Don't you mean talk to the hand?

Dot:

Why would you want to talk to my hand?

Donald:

Instead of talking to your face.

Dot:

What's wrong with my face young man?

Donald:

Ha! Do you want a long list?

Dot:

Oi, Cheeky. The point still stands that my face will be a better listener than my hand.

Donald:

I never actually said it wouldn't be.

Dot:

So why do you keep wanting to talk to my hand?

Donald:

Mum, I don't. You're just being daft.

Dot:

Listen here you.

Donald:

What with, my face or my hand?

Dot:

With your foot for all I care. I don't want to talk to you any more.

Donald:

That suits me fine.

Dot:

What? You don't want to talk to me?

Donald:

No. Why should I?

Dot:

Because I'm an interesting person.

Donald:

You're not that interesting.

Dot:

Oh yes I am.

Donald:

Oh no you're not… (etc)

Well I say you're not.

Dot:

You don't mean it. Look me in the hand and say that.

Cranny:

What's going on boss?

John:

Nothing, nothing…

Rose:

That's right.

Nook:

Oh hello Princess! How are you getting on?

Rose:

I'm sick of this rotter!

Cranny:

(Shocked) How can you say that about King John-John?

John:

Thanks Cranny.

Cranny:

He has (Nook whispers in his ear) inveiglement (more whispers) equanimity (more whispers) and verisimilitude.

Rose:

Did he pay you to say that?

John:

No (together)

N/C:

Yes (together)

(John glares at them)

N/C:

No.

Nook:

We just think all those things about him.

Rose:

Well, what do they mean?

Nook:

What?

Rose:

Those words. What do they mean: Inveiglement for example?

Cranny:

(To Nook) I don't know what inveigle meant do you?

Rose:

No, inveiglement means.

Nook:

Means what?

John:

She meant what does inveiglement mean, not 'what inveigle meant.' Do you know what I mean, idiots?

Cranny:

I know you're being mean.

Nook:

Yeah come on, we're just average guys.

Cranny:

Haha. Mean!

Nook:

I'm not.

Cranny:

That's not what I mean. I meant you're average: Mean.

Nook:

I'm not mean… he's mean.

John:

Don't bring me into this.

Cranny:

But you are quite mean.

John:

I suppose I am, but in an inveigling way.

Nook:

What do you mean?

Cranny:

I thought you didn't know what inveigle meant?

John:

I know what inveigle meant. I mean 'means.'

Nook:

You 'mean means?'

Cranny:

What does he mean, 'mean means?'

John:

I don't mean means. I mean 'inveigle means.'

N/C:

Meant.

John:

What?

Nook:

You mean inveiglement

John:

No I don't.

Nook:

But it's what she said.

Rose:

That's not what I meant!

Cranny:

Between you and me boss. I think she's more trouble than she's worth.

John:

Don't be obtuse!

Cranny:

Well I'll try not to be if you tell me what that means.

John:

Stupid.

Cranny:

I can't help it.

Nook:

He can't help it you know. Go on tell us what it means.

John:

Thick.

Nook:

Crikey Cranny, he is being mean. And not even in an inveigling way!

John:

GAH! THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT! Now enough of this, has anyone seen my hidden dragon?